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    So there is a 2015 wedding to plan and of course after the shrieks tears and smiles died down, the girlish glee morphed into action. And that was just me!

    The hens set about the shed, raided for arch lever files, paper plastic pockets, several boxes of post its and enough highlighters to blot out the aurora borealis. There is unlikely to be a white wine lake this year either, Brussels and its billion bureaucrats can’t beat this clutch.

    Phone lines were tied up, and bandwith reduced to the functionality of an A Road, in Somerset, last February.

    Mobiles melted between texts blithering (which you may knows as twitter) and neighbours seen to hang out of first floor windows searching in vein for any scrap of g of 3G, as skype wobbled, and likes and links flew.

    Hotels for that weekend doubled in price on line as the first few enquiries were made and they clearly called each other, anxious to up the profit. I swear one printer started to cry as prints of flowers to food to napkin samples, and the search for a photogenic vicar, brought it to its knees.

    The tsunami of samples spread across the floor under the wind of oohs aahs and wonderfuls. The cats were told to stay off them ( like they would stop being the centre of attention) to stop trying to touch the 2 sisters on the skype/ipads, and shooed“as much as we love you off you go”. Taking the chance to misunderstand, we retired to the shed, via rustling in the kitchen for “cats snacks darling, honest”.

    Hoping she’d think Cats do eat kettle chips, we, & a box of cat crunchies, and a collection of envelopes, back of, started our plan in the shed.

    First the church Vicar called terribly happy to book the day choir and a spring clean, and the promise of our handyman to freshen up the vestry walls. His assistant a spinster approaching a certain age hoping he might fall for her, had a selection of flower displays and I chose one white lilies with a floral coloured surround and green leaves.

    He has promised to make sure that the bees will be kept under wraps on the day, and will order the vintage Roller for wheels on the day. The funeral parlour chappie also does wedding cars, hearse is optional.

    Reception is easy, called a chap who owns marquees tables chairs and eating weaponry for 160, with white cloths light blue napkins, done. Oh and “Norman Tebbit” our local entrepreneur will do the music, as long as he looks after my quad system.

    They can sort out who cant sit next to who and left or right in the church.

    Booked 20 rooms for outlaws and inlaws, notified the local Police in case my brother and I go into rugby club mode, and printed a list of other hotels and hovels
    (I knew my idea of doubling up on tents with some lilos, army surplus sleeping bags, and a slit trench down by the ducks wouldn’t wash), to email to invitees.

    Who needs cards of “not as white and the other white one” with scribbly writing and French.
    Evite , done. But in a nice font of course.

    A BBQ and food cooked as it should be, with fire, is out, as next door has “asthma and it could kill me”. So an old chum Chef Bernie will do the grub and his menu 9 looks good, plus a cake, as chicken or fish, or double veg for the hippies, wouldn’t wash either. Oh and mid menu wine etc but decent champagne, none of sparkly grape juice. Must remember to keep him away from the bookies that morning.

    So as far as I could see that’s it half an hours work and all they need to do is sort out frocks hair and war paint for the day.

    So as I forced open the kitchen door, noting, "Monday a4 paper order & printer ink", had a mint to mask the cracked pepper and sea salt breath, I presented my plan with a flourish, and a "you can relax ladies".

    Why am I therefore banished to the shed, splattered with dip, and envelopes, back of , torn up and stuffed in my trousers? Think I’ll order a pizza, and yes Miranda some anchovies for you. Thank God for a beautiful sunset. Kettle chips mmmmm.
    Based on the information posted, I offer my thoughts.Any action you then take is your liability. While commending individual effort, there is no substitute for a thorough review of documents and facts by paid for professional advisers.

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